Ex-Girlfriend contacted me...

[Slayer-Fan123]

I guess I should start by talking about what happened.

We met a couple of years ago. It ended after 9 months. Her name will remain anonomous for now. She lived in Hayward, where my dad lived, so I saw her every other weekend.
The relationship seemed fine at first. When her birthday came up, she asked for clothes. She told me to leave the reciets with them so she could "return them" incase they did not fit right.
I should have saw it coming.
I later found out that she was returning the clothes for drug money. I simply found this out when I was in her room and found a bag of mary-jane. I told her that it was over, and that I wanted all the money I spent on her back, or I would tell her parents.
I ended up telling her parents. THEY ended up giving me my $255.64 back, and thanked me for finding this out. They eventually moved away because "Haward isn't a nice place to raise children"
She held on to my phone number after all this time. She called and told me that she "changed" and that she would like to see me again. Aparently they lived in Sacrenmento now. I told her that she was nothing but a gold-digger and hung up. My friends told me that I made the wrong decision.

Did I? I really have no reason to trust her. But I like second opinions, so I need an answer, please.

[Cliffjumper]

You did a break-up audit and she's the gold digger?

[Slayer-Fan123]

You did a break-up audit and she's the gold digger?

Huh?

[Cliffjumper]

You asked for all the money you'd spent on her back (holding the threat of telling her parents about her 'drug problem' over her) - were you keeping track when you were together? I'm mildly surprised she hasn't hunted you down and cut your balls off, TBH.

[Slayer-Fan123]

You asked for all the money you'd spent on her back (holding the threat of telling her parents about her 'drug problem' over her) - were you keeping track when you were together? I'm mildly surprised she hasn't hunted you down and cut your balls off, TBH.

1. I started keeping track after things were starting to get "lost" or "stolen".
2. I would have told her parents anyway. I honestly wanted to see how she would react and if she would give me back my money.
3. She spent it on drugs. MY hard earned money on drugs. I wanted it back.

[Ackula]

I have an unfortunate character flaw. I am brutally honest, and do not lie. Keep this in mind whenever asking my opinion.....

Relationships are built on trust. You obviously did not trust her as you started "keeping track of things". Suspicion betrays trust. You obviously feel she was wrong to be doing drugs, but honestly if it was just "Mary Jane" it really isn't that big of a deal, it is not as though she was selling her self for crack or smack. But regardless, you felt it was a horrible thing, so we will go with that point of view.

Whether you agreed with her drug use or not, the very act of threatening to betray her by telling her parents if she did not reimburse you for gifts you gave her, was a chicken shit thing to do. First of all, if you cared anything about her you would have tried understanding her problem, and tried to work through it. You would not have betrayed her by ratting her out. Secondly, if you give someone a gift, you don't come back later and ask for it back. That in and of itself speaks volumes about your character and what you placed importance on. If you cared about the girl you would have tried to help her, not betray her and ask for restitution. It is quite obvious that you cared more about your "hard earned money".

In all honesty I would think she was the one making the wrong decision in thinking that you gave two shits about her at all, she shouldn't have called you back at all. She has no reason to trust you after you betrayed her and then tried to blackmail her. I would tell you to stay away from her, for her own good, not yours.

[Warcry]

You obviously feel she was wrong to be doing drugs

To me, it sounds like the problem was less the drugs themselves and more the whole "returning stuff he bought her to pay for drugs and lying to him about it" thing. In my books, that's as much a betrayal of trust as anything he did to her.

I know I'd have been pretty pissed if I was sitting in his shoes...and unless the money was going to necessities like food or rent, I'd have been equally pissed no matter what she was spending it on.

[Ackula]

To me, it sounds like the problem was less the drugs themselves and more the whole "returning stuff he bought her to pay for drugs and lying to him about it" thing. In my books, that's as much a betrayal of trust as anything he did to her.

I know I'd have been pretty pissed if I was sitting in his shoes...and unless the money was going to necessities like food or rent, I'd have been equally pissed no matter what she was spending it on.

If you give someone something it should be there's to do with whatever they choose to do with it. I also did not see anything in his post that substantiated this actually happened, only that he suspected it was happening, and then found a bag of pot which he assumed was bought with money from things he gave her. One might also wonder how he "found" it in her room.

Only he knows the full story though, and I can only base my opinions on what I'm told. My opinion still stands though, no matter how angry he was over such a petty thing, if he cared about the girl he would not have blackmailed her and ratted her out..he would have tried helping her. Love is unconditional, if it true, so they say.

[Denyer]

You're both better off without each other. Assuming the date in your profile is valid, mid-to-late teens (especially -- it takes many people a lot longer) is generally learning time to make mistakes in relationships and move on.

edit:

To me, it sounds like the problem was less the drugs themselves and more the whole "returning stuff he bought her to pay for drugs and lying to him about it" thing. In my books, that's as much a betrayal of trust as anything he did to her.

It's certainly a reason to end a relationship. Demanding gifts be returned isn't a mature way of approaching things, though. Presuming to stage an intervention I can perhaps see, given the ages involved and without a full story -- it depends how much is actually the case and how much reading in -- but with blackmail rather than simply because a person considers it the right thing to do?

(And holding it over someone whilst knowing that, whatever they say, you're going to act on it... no different to common blackmail.)

[Clogs]

You're both better off without each other. Assuming the date in your profile is valid, mid-to-late teens (especially -- it takes many people a lot longer) is generally learning time to make mistakes in relationships and move on.

Agreed.

Speaking as a mother, telling your ex's folks about something they needed to know (she was living under their roof) is good and, of course, if she has really sorted herself out, so much the better. But let this one go, Slayer-Fan123 -fishes in the sea and all that.

[RID Scourge]

My first ex seduced me and tried to accuse me of something vile afterwards. She tried to IM me twice, but I didn't even respond.

The second ex blew me off for three weeks and then dumped me at the end of the third week . . . by email. She emailed me a month later to see if I wanted to get coffee. I told her I thought it was a bad idea.

Sadly none of the girls I dated have any class. So I haven't remained friends with any of them.

Sucks that she lied. Good luck with the next one.

[electro girl]

Kali is very much right with regards to trust, I think its great for her if she has reformed but with her past been what it is I'd be somewhat dubious. I'd wish her the best of luck in her future endevours and leave it at that.

[inflatable dalek]

The second ex blew me off for three weeks

Alright for some.

[RID Scourge]

Sorry. Meant "blew me off" as in "ignored me."

I'd ask her on friday if she wanted to hang out the next friday, and she would tell me she didn't know if she could. I'd email/call/IM a few days later (figuring that if she's gonna flake on me she should at least give me time to make other plans), and she wouldn't respond until that Thursday night with some bull excuse.

I figured that she was just busy since she had a heavy work schedule, but she told me she'd be more available when the academic year started (I was going to give her those few weeks to see if things changed before breaking up with her, but she beat me to the chase).

[Cliffjumper]

(And holding it over someone whilst knowing that, whatever they say, you're going to act on it... no different to common blackmail.)

Uh-huh.

I get that spending money on drugs isn't good, especially if someone's lying about it (though, seriously, marijuana? Shit, call the Feds!), but that hardly excuses what sounds like a very cynical and manipulative set of actions.

As I say, if i was her I'd probably want to kill you, or at least **** you up with a pickaxe... rather than trying to get to the bottom of why she was doing what she was doing (I'm going to assume better detectoring went on that finding drugs when she had asked for receipts for clothes) and offer support, you tried to get money back from her while holding the threat of telling her parents over here, then did so anyway, at which point her family moved house. Then rather than finding out whether she has changed, you call her a gold-digger - are you a Texan oil billionaire, then?

[secretcode]

Kali is very much right with regards to trust, I think its great for her if she has reformed but with her past been what it is I'd be somewhat dubious. I'd wish her the best of luck in her future endevours and leave it at that.

Agreed. My ex broke up with me a few weeks back (Claimed I'm going to end up a racist, sexist and selfish bastard just like my dad) and you don't see me (still) bitching about it.

[Slayer-Fan123]

I don't think what I was doing was blackmailing.
As I said earlier, I wanted to see what she would do. I would have told her parents anyway.

As for the record, things were getting "lost" or "stolen" for a month. I had to figure out what was going on. I also wanted to know how much money I was losing.

I found the pot while I was lying on her bed and there was a lump in it, so I wanted to know what it was. Bingo.

Sorry if that wasn't clear

[Sades]

I think asking for the money back was a bit much, as well. A gift is a gift- once it's given it's generally in bad form to go "Give it back", no matter what happened to it.

I do think however that you both are better off without each other. The entire experience isn't without its good side however- it's life experience. Therer will be more girls. Learn from it, move on.

[edit] I'm pretty sure you're gonna get chewed apart for your choice of words no matter how you try to justify it, man. Just let it go. Don't worry about it- what's done is done, don't be a selfish bastard the next time you think someone has misused a gift from you, though.

[StoneCold Skywarp]

Where's Snake when you need a 'Marijuana is not a drug retort' ?

[Denyer]

I don't think what I was doing was blackmailing.
As I said earlier, I wanted to see what she would do. I would have told her parents anyway.

Threatening people with things unless they give you money is blackmail. There isn't a whole lot of room for interpretation.