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Auntie Slag's review of: Gears

Name: Gears
Allegiance: Autobot
Function: Transport & Reconnaissance
Sub-Group: Minicars
"Nobody wins a war - somebody loses."

Gears is antisocial, a self-proclaimed misfit. Finds fault in everything and everyone. Acts this way to help cheer others up as they try to cheer him up.Tremendous strength and endurance.Totes heavy loads long distances. Launches to height of 20 miles, floats down on compressed air. Becomes an easy target due to limited manoeuvrability. Can detect infrared.

People have odd fascinations; Origami, tai chi, clinical herpes... I like Gears. I like him because he is oddly fascinating and immensely pleasing in a simple way, like fellatio from a prostitute.

But get this; not only is Gears oddly fascinating, he also possesses that rare something that precious few Transformers have. The power to change the course of interstellar war!

That's right superfriends, for though Gears isn't power incarnate, every time he's been around he has effected positive change. How many of us can truly say the same? Be honest, then slice lengthways…LENGTHWAYS!

In the comics Gears single-handedly (if you discount Spiderman) took on the entire Decepticon army and won. In the cartoons he had a whole episode devoted to himself, (surely a victory also) and therefore a massive amount of advertising dollar for a two-bit toy. If it were possible for the entire Hasbro Company to wedge itself firmly up an imaginary robots arse, it would be Gears'.

Optimus Prime devoted his time and that of his followers to creating more warriors to fight the good fight. If he had taken a step back and pondered for one… simple… nanosecond; it would have hit him like a force of nature that all he really ever needed was that grumpy little blue and red robot sitting over in the corner kicking the ball of electrical tape.

But he didn't. So millions fell, planets blew up, colonies were wiped out. Prime died, got reborn, died again and so on. All the while Gears sat in his chair and played the Truckin' song in complete indifference.


Vehicle Mode:
Buckle up hound dawgs, because Gears is *fanfare....* a truck! Incredible eh? did you come? Ok fine, but he's fun in that cheap, happy-go-lucky minibot way. Gears is wrapped in bright primary colours draped lovingly over a chunky fudge mould bearing dimensions totally unbefitting an accurate replication of whatever brand of truck he's supposed to be (what a mouthful)! He has four wheels and they have pleasing stubby treads to them. He also has a little chrome grill below the bonnet, which I always thought was a nice touch. His rub sign sits atop his cab and if you rub it with an appendage of your choice you'll find out whether he's an Autobot or Decepticon. Yeah! we didn't have Playstations back in them days, we had f****** rub signs! and looking back I'm glad we did! put some on your gums a la la la la! Um... so that's about it really. He's politely pleasing. Oddly fascinating. Let's move on because the nurse arrives at six.

Robot Mode:
You know how a woodlouse (pill bug for all the American's here) appears relatively boring when viewed from above? If you pick one up and look underneath you'll see all the moving parts (oddly enough you can do the same thing with Michael Jackson), and Gears is a little bit like that too. Underneath you can see his cute little legs, his cute little abdomen, his cute little Autobot insignia, and his pug ugly excuse for a face. So lets transform him, don't blink now: Flip them legs over and pull the arms out! What an anticlimax eh? at least [I]you[/I] can say that now and not her. Don't feel bad, it was just your first time and you can watch the rest of that commercial now. *points and giggles* Interesting and completely made up fact: Gears was actually the model for the Cylon's from Battlestar Galactica.

Transformation: 2 - unless you've got no arms or legs; in which case 10.
Durability: 3 - I reckon he's pretty easy to break. The little wheel axles appear shockingly weak. A girl could snap his legs, and his arms (if you can call them that) could catch on any number of things. I'll leave the 'things' to your imagination.
Fun: There's a loaded question! Some people find masochism fun. If you're one of them then 6. If you find Gears oddly fascinating like me then he's a solid 8. If you have a sexual partner then 0.
Price: 9 - He's hardly catch of the day, but there's far worse. I would expect to pay anything from 2 to 5 simoleons. You also might be able to find him as one of those 'key chain sets', in which case good for you. Its not like we're talking mortgages here.
Summary: 6 - Gears is the 'Gimli the Dwarf' of the Transformer community. He's short and stubby, probably warty too, but cute. This single, inexpensive robot could have stopped the four million years war in its tracks, but he didn't. Just like you or I could have discovered a cure for cancer, but we didn't because we're lazy and little plastic robots are more interesting. For that reason, Gears is the champion of wasted potential. I salute him.

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