'THE THIRTEEN' CANCELLED DUE TO NO-ONE CARING
Interestingly, the release doesn't deny that Furman has been locked in a cupboard, or that the key to said cupboard has been lost. Oh, hang on, there's more from Evil Ryan... "We did some market research, and it turned out that the only people even half interested in The Thirteen were a bunch of pedantic fanboys who need every minutae of the series spelled out for them. Theoretically this gave us a huge audience of several thousand Transformers fans, but it turns out most of them would have just declared it non-canonical if it disagreed with their own personal selection of the Thirteen anyway, so we just thought 'screw this'. Also, the stationery cupboard in the office keeps on mumbling apologies for even mentioning the concept in the first place."
Bastard IDW will be replacing the planned midi-series with a selection of titles from the pen of their new MEGA-SELLING writer and self-insertion fantasist, Chippy McCarthy. These include Spotlight: Chippy McCarthy, Chippy McCarthy: The Origin and All Hail Chippy McCarthy.
FIRST LOOK AT ROTF PROVES A DISAPPOINTMENT
The recent (well, recent-ish) trailer for Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen has sparked outrage among the loudest and most illiterate factions of Transformers fandom. True Fans everywhere have slammed the film for its' style. One fanboy, who only wishes to be known as MEGATON_RULZ_4EVA, but his mother has sewn the name 'Thaddeus' in his antique G1 underoos, emailed us this moronic missive from his dank, unlit basement lair:
"IT IS OBVIOUS THAT MICHALE GAY HAS NOT LEARNED A THING FROM US TRUE FANS. HE HAD A CHANCE TO CHANGE THE STYLE AFTR THE ABIZMAL 1ST FILM AND MAKE IT MORE LIKE THE G1 CARTOON THAT THE AUDIENCE MUCH PREFR, BUT HE HAS DON IT IN THE SAM STYLE AS THE FIRST (IS THE WORST! LOL!!!) AN IT WILL FAIL JUUST LIKE THE FIRST 1"
Inspired by this bizarre, confusing rant, we hunted down Michael Bay, and found him out behind his trailer, shooting MISB 1984 Transformers figures with a customised Gatling gun. If you'd expect the words of a 38-year old virgin with worryingly mottled skin to ruffle Bay, you'd be wrong.
"I made Pearl Harbor, I think I know a little bit about how to make mozies..." He replied professionally, knowing that fanboys will go and see it six times each anyway, and that real people are likely to ignore their gibberings.
Vaguely Associated Produce Don Murphy, however, has reacted with his typical elan, and rounded up a bunch of his diligent internet lackeys to fit Thaddeus up for possessing child porn. They needn't have bothered, what with him owning the Kiss Players manga already, but the spite was there, and that means Murphy is still earning his bucks.
TOMYTAKARA RECALL MASTERPIECE GRIMLOCK
Two-bit Japanese toy manufacturer TomyTakaraTakaraTomy has issued a recall for the newly-released Masterpiece Grimlock figure. The much-anticipated figure, retailing for around $600, has received rave reviews, prompting swift, decisive action. The company made an announcement at a recent toy expo in Tokyo. Sadly, no-one was in the car park to hear it, so TomyTakaraTakaraTomy instead placed it on their website in a needlessly complicated Flash format.
"It has come to the attention of TomyTakaraTakaraTomyTomyTakara that there are a number of serious design faults in the much anticipated Masterpiece Grimlock figure. Reviews have described the figure as "Quick to transform, great balance, fun to play with" and "A good size figure... pretty neat". This goes against every principle of TomyTakaraTakaraTomyTomyTakaraTakaraTomy, and so the figures shipped will be recalled immediately and re-engineered."
Plans are thought to involve doubling the size of the figure, removing the large panels that make up the bulk of the robot mode and replacing them with lots of little panels mounted on individual ball-joints, and putting 25 more joints on each leg. Chrome will also be added to every single part.
TomyTakaraTakaraTomyTomyTakaraTakaraTomyTomyTakara has assigned its' design team to busking duties at Tokyo's busiest train stations to raise the funds for the redesign. In the meantime, TomyTakaraTakaraTomyTomyTakaraTakaraTomyTomyTakaraTakaraTomy have reassigned the MP-08 code to their next planned release, "Rebirth Convoy" - a much-desired redeco of the MP-01 Convoy mould, but with a white bit on the figure's back.
|This year's BotCon convention will feature no exclusive figures, just to see if anyone notices|Bastard IDW have announced that the forthcoming Spotlight Metroplex will have an innovative format - the entire issue will fold out, forming a giant playmat of Autobot City to scale with the G1 Broadside figure|TakaraTomy are considering suing fellow minor toy manufacturer CM for doing a better job at making a Masterpiece Transformer than they ever could|Transformers Animated may or may not be cancelled - posters on discussion boards were still cockwaving about the awesomeness of their inside sources when we went to press...|
DISCLAIMER: In the course of front-line journalism, mistakes are sometimes made. Therefore, despite the best efforts of the WWT staff, some facts may have sneaked into this baseless rumour column.