CUTTING THOUGH THE CHAFF TO PRESENT THE NEWS FOR THE IMPATIENT TRANSFORMERS FAN!
YOU NEED TO READ THIS ARTICLE YOU AREN'T A REAL FAN
Transformers fandom has always been at the cutting edge. First of all, there was the newsgroups, then scanners to resurrect long-forgotten comics, then the astounding breakthroughs in bringing skucodes for figure assortments to an adoring fandom. Now, we are at the forefront of the latest breakthrough - telepathy.
Despite the fact Don Murphy's The Transformers Worst Film Evar1 has yet to complete filming, many fans have been able to dissect it on a vast number of critical levels, and we officially have the scoop: it's going to be really, really terrible. In fact, it's going to be so bad, we're all going to hate Transformers for ever and ever and ever. Intrigued by the babblings, your intrepid WWT was able to jam a USB cable into the eye of one of these prophets, and download the final designs of the cast, and upload them for you all to see: -
then, if you like Transformers, you knew that anyway.
BOB BUDIANSKY TO SPELLCHECK IDW COMICS!
Budiansky, father figure of Transformers as we know it, with decades
of experience at Marvel and around fifty Transformers scripts to his
credit, has been promoted to Spellchecker by Plucky Little IDW Comics.
Following fan pressure, the philanthropic comic distributors began
consulting Budiansky a few months ago. Heroic Transformers editor
Chris Ryall applauded the new role. "Bob has been involved in
Transformers for so long that we'd love to have him involved. However,
we've wanted to ease him in slowly." He continued, stroking a
glossy lock of hair back behind his impossibly handsome ear, a gorgeous
twinkle in his eye. "Bob's spent the past couple of months in
the crèche downstairs. We've let him read a comic to see if
he can still remember what they are,
and then a week later we let him sit at a desk for a bit. Since then
we've been letting him write 'Transformers' on the whiteboard at meetings."
Chris adjusted the collar of his Optimus Prime costume, and with a
gesture scattered rainbows across the sky. "However, the fans
want Bob to be actively involved in writing the comic. We're not going
to let that happen any time soon, as Bob needs to build himself up
to writing a comic. However, we've moved him up in the company. He'll
now be spellchecking the scripts for our forthcoming Evolutions -
Flares of Steel mini-series, which sees the Transformers reawaken
in 1977 instead of 1984, with crazy results. Bob's role will involve
viewing the documents in Word, and if he finds a spelling mistake,
asking someone else to correct it. If all goes well, we hope to move
Bob into a more proactive role, maybe counting how many alternate
covers we bring out a month, as frankly I haven't a clue." Chris
laughed winningly, a rich, warm laugh full of heart and love, and
then tilted his head slightly. "Sorry, I've just heard a Transformers
fan's puppy has a wounded paw. CHRIS RYALL AWAAAAAAAY!". What
MORE ON THAT BLOODY FILM
Tired of yet another round of derogatory rumours about it, the Leaked Script for Don Murphy's Worst Transformers Move Ever has undoubtedly angered movie executives by making the stunning revelation that director Michael Bay is, in fact, not real.
"Bay is just an alias" claimed the script, in an EXCLUSIVE interview with WWT vigilante Batman "for a computer designed by Top Studio Execs. It's programmed with every clichéd movie convention ever. Every time a new film comes out, the movie is fed into Bay, which then absorbs all the scenes, camera movements, set pieces, etc... which it then outputs in a random format whenever it's given a script to direct. Originally it started as an attempt to generate the perfect movie, but the whole thing went a bit David Blaine and could only do action movies. Top Studio Execs wheeled the program out anyway as a bit of a joke, but when nobody noticed and the films made loads of cash, they decided not to mention it."
Of course all this begs the question of who the man who stands about on set and does interviews is. The Leaked Script for Don Murphy's Worst Transformers Movie Ever chimed in on this, too - "It's the Top Studio Exec's Tea Boy. He overheard them talking about the computer, so they sought to stifle the leak by making him stand about and read the Bay Computer's printouts."
Following this, scripts for The Island and Pearl Harbor issued a joint statement saying "Well... it certainly explains a lot."
BINALTECH TENTACLE RAPE PACKAGING REVEALED!
TakaraTomy Toy Concern have revealed the packaging for their Binaltech Tentacle Rape line to a worryingly eager Transformers fandom. For an EXCLUSIVE IMAGE YOU CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT OR WE'LL SUE see the image to the right. The charity organisation's diligent lackey Naoki Hattori beamed "The packaging will allow the Japanese businessmen the series is aimed at to transport them from honourable toy selling concern to room of rising genitals without undue dishonour of being seen by honourable peers to be carrying a Transformer." Loudmouthed ignorant Jafanboy Godmaster God Lio Ginrai Saber said "We... welcome... this... innovative *hurgh* packaging as it means... CUSTOMS CAN NOT ungh confiscate this like... they did my *unhhhh* nine-year old Thai bride... dressed as... ohhhh... Minerva"
In related news, TakaraTomy Toy Concern have moved quickly to deny rumours that they aren't actually based in Japan. "Y'all keep sayin' us folk are just based in Texas an' our cheap sue o' outdated stereotypical Japanese speech patterns proves it" Hattori gee- whizzed, "An' that the Tentacle Rape line is jus' an attempt to see if some of y'all will buy anythin' wit' dem chicken scratch lines writin' all ova it. Well, y'all a bunch o' Yankee dawgs who don't know jack!"
* Chrisimus Ryallprime has denied that the Generations reprint title is just a cheap attempt to make IDW's new material look good. "That's baseless slander!" Ryallprime protested, squirming while photocopying "Ca$h and Car-nage" * Soundwave will be a McDonalds Happy Meal for the forthcoming Don Murphy's The Transformers Worst Film Evar1, with Ravage, Rumble and Laserbeak but not Frenzy and Buzzsaw as they were barely in Season 1 and certainly not Ratbat LOL available as toys after 12 noon - before then, their place will be taken by a coffee of your choice * Fans have been confused by new movie character Incinerator - well-known fan pariah MRScratch wailed "He's not one of the original cast, so how are we meant to slag off his design by comparing it negatively with his 1984 character model?" *
In the course of front-line journalism, mistakes are sometimes made.
Therefore, despite the
best efforts of the WWT staff, some facts may have sneaked into this baseless rumour column.